Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Lo siento on account of my penis...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
