If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
