Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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