Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I didn't notice because vodka
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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