I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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