Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
