Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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