Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
