Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
This toilet bowl is my home.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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