Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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