theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
