I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
