I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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