and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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