I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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