I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
