so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
