You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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