Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize