Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
