Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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