I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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