He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
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