An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
