In America we eat man semen.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
