Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I smell like Dick and happiness
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