my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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