I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Is it penis luge time yet?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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