My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
