I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
