i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
