If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
