You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize