so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
