some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
