I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
