hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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