I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
