why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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