I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
