you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
