told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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