I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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