Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
