I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
