That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
