Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
