so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
