I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
