Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
