I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
