drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
