He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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