How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
