3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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