we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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