god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
