I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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