I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
