Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
