did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
