I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize