I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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