All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
