Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
