LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
